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Book: The Problem with Women… is Men
Author:Charles J. Orlando

Ladies and jellyspoons

Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,

I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, Good Friday,
there’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only;

wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.

Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery’s sure to spit.

The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don’t really know.

One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.

The blind man went to see fair play;
the mute man went to shout “hooray!”

Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.

A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

If you don’t believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too.

These other versions are more likely, as they fit the rhyming meter inimical to traditional folk poetry. Go here and search for “one fine day”

Ladles and Jellyspoons

Ladles and Jellyspoons, hoboes and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants,

I come before you to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There will be a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only;

Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Pull up a seat and sit on the floor.

It makes no difference where you sit,
the boy in the gallery’s sure to spit.

One Fine Day

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys* got up to fight, [*or men]

Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn’t, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”

A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,

Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,

If you don’t believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!